A Birthday Reflection: A Year of Restoration and 5 Recognitions

God will destroy us for our good.

It may sound counter intuitive to us, but love is always willing to wound.  A year ago I was wounded.  I was drowning in a sea of despair and barely skimming the surface.  I was gasping for breath.  Sure, I put on the face.  I attended all the social events.  I would even stand and preach the Word of God.  I would do everything I would normally do- but I was not the same.

In the course of the month I had lost everything I held dear: dear friends, a growing ministry, a girl I thought I was spending the rest of my life with, and my health was in a bad place.  I felt betrayed as all of them left.  To this day it doesn’t even seem real.  How does everything you love and pour two years of your life into just turn and walk away?  It began a year of spiral downward that echoed the words of David in Psalm 13, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?” (13:1-2).  People of faith suffer real pain.  I asked the Lord every day for a year, “Why?”  I could hear nothing, whether due to my stupidity or His gracious silence.

In my pride I was pretended there was not a problem.  I viewed vulnerability as an enemy, forgetting that confession has always been the pathway to freedom (Psalm 32:5).  The victory I’d preached from the pulpit felt like a distant memory.  “Who am I fooling? Lord, I’m not cut out for this.  I’m throwing in the towel.”  I would try to form cohesive words in prayer as I sobbed.  I was asking for the Lord to not just take me out of ministry, but I often asked him to take me out of this life.

Look how David continues in Psalm 13,

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
    light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
    lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken – Psalm 13:3-4

I need an answer, but little did I know He was not finished with me yet.

No matter how much I desired to let go of everything I knew, He was not letting go of me.  Jeremiah was put in stocks by the priests and he declared, “O Lord, you have deceived me, and I was deceived; you are stronger than I, and you have prevailed.  I have become a laughingstock all the day; everyone mocks me” (Jeremiah 20:7).  But, in the midst of it, Jeremiah would also declare, “If I say, ‘I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name,’ there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot…Sing to the Lord; praise the Lord! For he has delivered the life of the needy from the hand of evildoers” (20:9, 13).

The good news has never been about how hard we hold onto God, but how hard God is holding onto us.  Jesus words in John 6 were warm sweet promises to me.  He had given me to the Father and I would not perish.  He has drawn me and He would raise me.  The will of the Father was that all who believed would be raised on the last day.  Jesus’ death absorbed all of God’s wrath toward me.  This suffering was not His wrath, it was for my good.  He was not inflicting me with Hell, but loving His child all the way Home.  He was keeping me, and sometimes keeping us involves taking things away.

Now, a year after my earth shattering heartbreak, I resonate with the words of Joel 2:25, “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.”  He has down a miraculous work in showing me more about friendship in ministry, giving me a great set of accountability partners, brought me into a new ministry, and brought me together with a helper who is beyond what I deserve.  My health is even far better!

Friends, restoration does not always mean you will be brought back where you were.  God’s exile out is often an exodus into something new.  I would love to say the story went back into a happily ever after, but the story isn’t over yet.  Chapters end so others begin.  Our happily ever happy happens later, not in this life.  But, even as our story unfolds, a few things have be reaffirmed to me even in the face of heart-wrenching despair.

1) Jesus is Lord.  He is Lord of salvation.  He is the Lord of life.  He promises that from beginning to end all His intentions will work toward His purpose.  He is gracious and is going to conform me into His image.  This is going to involve suffering.  God is passionately dedicated to blessing his people, but God blesses the bankrupt in spirit, but the banker (Matthew 5:3).  But in the gospel, suffering is a servant, not a serpent (Romans 8:28-39).  This truth has become even more precious to me.  John Piper says this, 

“Outside of this promise of all-encompassing future grace there are straw houses of drugs and alcohol and numbing TV and dozens of futile diversions.  There are slat walls and tin roofs of fragile investment strategies and fleeting insurance coverage and trivial retirement plans.  There are cardboard fortifications of deadbolt locks and alarm systems and antiballistic missiles.  Outside are a thousand substitutes for Romans 8:28….The confidence that a sovereign God governs for your good all the pain and all the pleasure that you will ever experience is an incomparable refuge and security and hope and power in your life.”  - John Piper, Future Grace 122-123

      2) The doctrines of grace remain the only bed rock for deep suffering.  To know that my salvation is rooted in the sovereign election of God, the effectual calling of the Spirit, and the particular death of the Son is a firm foundation when you feel as if you don’t control anything.  Because, in honesty- we don’t.    The scandalous grace of God is the only answer for scandalous heartbreak.  Sure, our actions have consequences, but God is control of everything that occurs.  My salvation is never grounded in how I’m feeling from day to day, but in the work of the Triune God- and Him alone.  To the praise of His glorious grace (Ephesians 1:6, 12, 14)

            3) Suffering is good for the stubborn.  The Lord has given me a much more vulnerable and pastoral heart through this suffering (something my stubbornness caused me to lack).  People hurt.  Life is far more complicated than I originally lived like it was.  God comforts us, so that we might comfort others (2 Corinthians 1:4).  This means that God will wound us, but never without a purpose.

         4) The church will let you down, but don’t give up on her.  Jesus didn’t.  In fact, nothing that Christians have ever done to me has ever been as bad as what Christians did to Him.  Jesus pursued a wandering bride.  He endured her spitting in His face, pushing Him away, but He still pursued her- even to death.  Most grooms wed their brides with a ring on their finger, but Jesus pursued His bride with two nails in His hands.  Don’t give up on the church, Jesus has not and will not.

      5) The mission of God is not about me.  His mission will be complete whether I am face down in the dirt, or whether I am out on the front lines.  God doesn’t need me.  He could raise us rocks to replace me (Matthew 3:9).  But, God has graciously invited us in and sent us out.  Why not give everything for the sake of the gospel?  It will involve this kind of heart-wrenching, soul-emptying, life-altering suffering I have described, but in the end those who mourn will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).  We will see His face (Revelation 21) and His mission will be accomplished.

In the end, God destroys us for our good.  He builds us up, or moves us away, or leaves us to taste mud with the pigs- all with the goal of building us up and bringing us back (Luke 15:11-32).  Life hurts.  God is good.  The gospel is true.  His mission is urgent.  He may take what is most precious to us to show us that He should be more precious than all of it.  Why should we delight in the gifts when the Giver is so much more satisfying?  In the end, God never answered David’s question.  God’s response in our suffering is not an explanation, but revelation.  God is giving us more of Himself.  In our midst of our questions, answers will not satisfy us, He will.  Even in the midst of devastation, may we find joy in Him more and more each day.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
    my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
    because he has dealt bountifully with me. – Psalm 13:5-6

Our Serving, Suffering, Supplicating, Sympathetic Savior

How does Jesus respond to suffering?  Matthew 14 gives us some insight. 

When Jesus heard of the death of John the Baptist, “he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself.” (14:13).  Jesus wanted some time to mourn alone.  Suffering well will include solitude.  Needing to be alone is often the best thing for a hurting heart.  But, Jesus did not get much time alone, the crowds were following him.  Upon seeing the crowd Jesus, “had compassion on them and healed their sick.” (14:14).  Jesus did not let his suffering lead him to bitterness but be sympathetic toward others in pain.  He not only took the time to heal the crowds, but to fed 5000 and set with them until they finished eating.  “And those who ate were about five thousand men, besides women and children.” (14:21) Suffering well will include service. Jesus was suffering, but He took the time to minister to others in need instead of focusing on His own needs.  Lastly, we see that Jesus did get His alone time, after He dismissed the crowd, he spent an estimated 9 hours in prayer, not only for the ministry he was about to do, prayer for his own suffering (Matthew 14:23-25). Suffering well involves supplication.

The good news is just not just that out Savior suffered, but that He suffers well and sympathizes with us in our suffering. 

5 Reasons Christians Should Sing and Sing Often

This is a photo from my church choir at Christmas.
http://yellowcreekbaptist.com/worship/

I’m sure we’ve all met those people who “just don’t sing” at church.  Whether due to their lack of vocal ability, shy personality, or (supposed) unfamiliarity with the songs; I have heard tons of excuses for why people do not want to sing in church.  While, certainly singing is not a requirement for being a Christian (faith in Christ alone is!) we find that singing is right at the heart of our faith.

1) Jesus was a “singing person.”  Jesus was all about singing!  One example of this is found in the Last Supper He shared with His disciples.  “After singing a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olives.”- Matthew 26:30.  Jesus does this during a crucial moment in His ministry.  He is sharing what would be His last supper with His disciples before the cross, but He also is instituting an ordinance for His church!  This was a moment to be cherished and remembered and what does Jesus do?  SING!  This raises so many questions I wish we could know!  What vocal range was Jesus?  What song did He sing?  Was this spontaneous or planned?  What we can know is that singing was used as a part of the celebration and was a part of the Son of God’s preparation to suffer.  This bring us to number 2….

2) Singing helps us endure suffering  We can also draw the conclusion that Jesus was a singer because of how much He seemed to cherished God’s inspired song book: the Psalms.  We find that 14 times in the Gospel of Matthew that Jesus quotes the Psalms (ESV Study Bible, pg.2609-2610).  One of the most profound moment we find is when Jesus is on the cross, and of all He could declare, He quotes lyrics to Psalm 22 (Matthew 26:45-46).  In Jesus darkest hour He found comfort in songs overflowing with Holy Spirit inspiration.  As Jesus Christ was bearing out sin, He had a song in His head.  Should not songs of truth be a bedrock for us in the midst of suffering?

3) Singing is a means of fighting temptation.  Once again, in the ministry of Jesus we find another example of Jesus singing.   Jesus, when faced with temptation found power in Holy Spirit inspired Torah and Psaltery.  In Matthew 4 Satan actually tempts Jesus through misquoting Psalm 91, but, He knew Psalm 91 and counteracted with a quote from Deuteronomy.  A song was a means by which Jesus overcame temptation, how much more for us?  Yes, we have the Psalms, but the truth of Scriptures can be communicated via the songs we sing corporately.  Gospel saturated songs have sin conquering power.  In the midst of heavy temptation I often find myself singing, “When Satan tempts me to despair, And tells me of the guilt within, Upward I look and see Him there, Who made an end of all my sin.”  If Jesus fought temptation through singing God’s truth, how much more should we?

4) We will sing in Heaven

Corporate worship is an earthly shadow of a Heavenly reality (Hebrews 9-10), so when we sing we are mimicking (and joining in with) the choir off Heaven!  Revelation 5 pulls back the veil and we hear that the Gospel truth is declared even by glorified saints, “And they sang a new song, saying ‘Worthy are You to take the book and to break its seals; for You were slain, and purchased for God with Your blood men from every tribe and tongue and people and nation.’” (Rev. 5:9)  Heaven will be far to glorious to want to hold back due to being “shy.”  Worship will not be cold or dead in Heaven.  In fact, many may think we are Charismatic (this coming from a non-Charismatic!).

Certainly we are going more than sing for all eternity, the next verse says we will be reigning as well, but this passage and many others make clear that much of the joy of Heavenly is going to be found in expressing our salvation in song.  Song is not sinful, but in fact even in the garden was expressed by God’s image bearers to express delight (Gen. 2:23).  Singing is at the core of what it means to be human.  Even God Himself expressed his delight in song, which is why we need not fear singing to Him…

5) Because God’s singing over us will always be louder than our singing to Him

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” – Zech. 3:17 (ESV)

The glorious news is that God does not accept us because we sing well, or because we sing loud, but God sings over us because of His great love for us in Christ.  Christ died that God might sing.  Sing over sinners.  Delight over you.  You.  In the gospel, God sings a song over you.  Even on our “best” worship days, the singing of God over His people will always be louder than a congregation in chorus together.  That, my friends, is good news.  News good enough to sing about.

Knowing God

"Perhaps his purpose is simply to draw us closer to himself in conscious communion with him; for it is often the case, as all the saints know, that fellowship with the Father and the Son is most vivid and sweet, and Christian joy is greatest, when the cross is heaviest." 

~J.I. Packer "Knowing God"