God will destroy us for our good.
It may sound counter intuitive to us, but love is always
willing to wound. A year ago I was
wounded. I was drowning in a sea of despair
and barely skimming the surface. I was gasping
for breath. Sure, I put on the
face. I attended all the social
events. I would even stand and preach
the Word of God. I would do everything I
would normally do- but I was not the same.
In the course of the month I had lost everything I held
dear: dear friends, a growing ministry, a girl I thought I was spending the
rest of my life with, and my health was in a bad place. I felt betrayed as all of them left. To this day it doesn’t even seem real. How does everything you love and pour two
years of your life into just turn and walk away? It began a year of spiral downward that
echoed the words of David in Psalm 13, “How
long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from
me? How long must I take counsel in
my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be
exalted over me?” (13:1-2). People of faith suffer real pain. I asked the Lord every day for a year, “Why?” I could hear nothing, whether due to my
stupidity or His gracious silence.
In my pride I was pretended there was not a problem. I viewed vulnerability as an enemy, forgetting
that confession has always been the pathway to freedom (Psalm 32:5). The victory I’d preached from the pulpit felt
like a distant memory. “Who am I fooling?
Lord, I’m not cut out for this. I’m
throwing in the towel.” I would try to
form cohesive words in prayer as I sobbed.
I was asking for the Lord to not just take me out of ministry, but I
often asked him to take me out of this life.
Look how David continues in Psalm 13,
Consider and answer me, O Lord my
God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken –
Psalm 13:3-4
I need an answer, but little did I know He was not finished
with me yet.
No matter how much I desired to let go of everything I knew,
He was not letting go of me. Jeremiah was
put in stocks by the priests and he declared, “O Lord, you have deceived me, and I was deceived; you are
stronger than I, and you have prevailed.
I have become a laughingstock all the day; everyone mocks me” (Jeremiah
20:7). But, in the midst of it, Jeremiah
would also declare, “If I say, ‘I will
not mention him, or speak any more in his name,’ there is in my heart as it
were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it
in, and I cannot…Sing to the Lord; praise the Lord! For he has
delivered the life of the needy from the hand of evildoers” (20:9, 13).
The good news has never been about how hard we hold onto
God, but how hard God is holding onto us. Jesus words in John 6 were warm sweet promises
to me. He had given me to the Father and
I would not perish. He has drawn me and
He would raise me. The will of the
Father was that all who believed would be raised on the last day. Jesus’ death absorbed all of God’s wrath
toward me. This suffering was not His
wrath, it was for my good. He was not
inflicting me with Hell, but loving His child all the way Home. He was keeping me, and sometimes keeping us
involves taking things away.
Now, a year after my earth shattering heartbreak, I resonate
with the words of Joel 2:25, “I will
restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” He has down a miraculous work in showing
me more about friendship in ministry, giving me a great set of accountability
partners, brought me into a new ministry, and brought me together with a helper
who is beyond what I deserve. My health
is even far better!
Friends, restoration does not always mean you will be
brought back where you were. God’s exile
out is often an exodus into something new.
I would love to say the story went back into a happily ever after, but
the story isn’t over yet. Chapters end
so others begin. Our happily ever happy
happens later, not in this life. But,
even as our story unfolds, a few things have be reaffirmed to me even in the
face of heart-wrenching despair.
1) Jesus is Lord.
He is Lord of salvation. He is
the Lord of life. He promises that from
beginning to end all His intentions will work toward His purpose. He is gracious and is going to conform me
into His image. This is going to involve
suffering. God is passionately dedicated
to blessing his people, but God blesses the bankrupt in spirit, but the banker
(Matthew 5:3). But in the gospel,
suffering is a servant, not a serpent (Romans 8:28-39). This truth has become even more precious to
me. John Piper says this,
“Outside of this
promise of all-encompassing future grace there are straw houses of drugs and
alcohol and numbing TV and dozens of futile diversions. There are slat walls and tin roofs of fragile
investment strategies and fleeting insurance coverage and trivial retirement
plans. There are cardboard
fortifications of deadbolt locks and alarm systems and antiballistic missiles. Outside are a thousand substitutes for Romans
8:28….The confidence that a sovereign God governs for your good all the pain
and all the pleasure that you will ever experience is an incomparable refuge
and security and hope and power in your life.” - John Piper, Future Grace 122-123
2) The doctrines of grace remain the only bed rock
for deep suffering. To know that my
salvation is rooted in the sovereign election of God, the effectual calling of
the Spirit, and the particular death of the Son is a firm foundation when you
feel as if you don’t control anything.
Because, in honesty- we don’t. The scandalous grace of God is the only
answer for scandalous heartbreak. Sure,
our actions have consequences, but God is control of everything that occurs. My salvation is never grounded in how I’m
feeling from day to day, but in the work of the Triune God- and Him alone. To the praise of His glorious grace
(Ephesians 1:6, 12, 14)
3) Suffering is good for the stubborn. The Lord has given me a much more vulnerable
and pastoral heart through this suffering (something my stubbornness caused me
to lack). People hurt. Life is far more complicated than I
originally lived like it was. God
comforts us, so that we might comfort others (2 Corinthians 1:4). This means that God will wound us, but never
without a purpose.
4) The church will let you down, but don’t give up
on her. Jesus didn’t. In fact, nothing that Christians have ever
done to me has ever been as bad as what Christians did to Him. Jesus pursued a wandering bride. He endured her spitting in His face, pushing
Him away, but He still pursued her- even to death. Most grooms wed their brides with a ring on
their finger, but Jesus pursued His bride with two nails in His hands. Don’t give up on the church, Jesus has not
and will not.
5) The mission of God is not about me. His mission will be complete whether I am
face down in the dirt, or whether I am out on the front lines. God doesn’t need me. He could raise us rocks to replace me (Matthew
3:9). But, God has graciously invited us
in and sent us out. Why not give
everything for the sake of the gospel?
It will involve this kind of heart-wrenching, soul-emptying,
life-altering suffering I have described, but in the end those who mourn will
be comforted (Matthew 5:4). We will see
His face (Revelation 21) and His mission will be accomplished.
In the end, God destroys us for our good. He builds us up, or moves us away, or leaves
us to taste mud with the pigs- all with the goal of building us up and bringing
us back (Luke 15:11-32). Life
hurts. God is good. The gospel is true. His mission is urgent. He may take what is most precious to us to show
us that He should be more precious than all of it. Why should we delight in the gifts when the
Giver is so much more satisfying? In the
end, God never answered David’s question.
God’s response in our suffering is not an explanation, but revelation. God is giving us more of Himself. In our midst of our questions, answers will
not satisfy us, He will. Even in the
midst of devastation, may we find joy in Him more and more each day.
But I have trusted in your steadfast
love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me. – Psalm 13:5-6
